Maybe?

I notice you sitting alone across the cafe. You’re gingerly nursing your glass of mojito and glancing around the room before taking a sip.

Maybe you’re waiting for someone.

Maybe you’ve come with a friend. Or a lover.

Maybe you’ve come alone to drown your sorrows or some news that caused the wrinkles on your forehead.

Maybe you’re waiting to go back home to the arms of the person whose embrace has turned into comfort.

I see that ring clamped around your finger a little too tight for your comfort. I see you play with it for a while before you tucked the strand of your hair behind your ear.

I see the flicker of your eyes, your soft gaze against my curious hazel brown ones, just for a moment, and then watching them turn back to the glass in your hand.

There is something about you that I can’t quite place.

You’re stunning in a pair of casual jeans and that simple top with those flawless earrings. You are expectedly pretty.

You are beautiful in a way that doesn’t let me stop looking. You are soft. And warm.

Maybe if you wouldn’t have had that ring around your finger. Maybe I would’ve​ come up to you, asked about you, wondered if you’d ever consider me as someone you could love.

With first dates and your fingers brushing against mine on a winter evening.

With laughter and shared interest.

Maybe we would’ve made our own little world.

But beautiful people like you don’t fall in love with shy people like me.

Maybe we could’ve been more than just strangers.

But I promise I never would’ve been able to take my eyes off you.

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Seasons 

SPRING

Our shared headaches, stacked in tidy piles alongside regret and fear, pushed to the floor in the caress of a gentle exhale

spilled sentiment in the purest crystal color turning dark across the pavement, your eyes nailed to mine

somehow words stitch together the uneven seams of old patches, promises, ripped from the cavities in which I ache

Another night, I’m seeing you for the first time.

SUMMER

I keep asking why you never call, you don’t know how to say what you mean, I don’t know what you mean if you don’t say what you mean

the crackle, buzz, grain of radio silence is louder than the wail of baby birds nestled in the trees

this season is emptier, harsher that it ever was.

FALL

The leaves aren’t the only things that crash down and get dragged around my shoes

the wind tastes like the flat, sugary syrup of a drink let out to sit

the first time I saw you again I dissolved, swirling away, and you watched

the limbs of our friendship bear only emptiness and the ribcage protects only the remains of hope

WINTER

They call it the end of life, when the plants wither into the earth, away from the sting of icy wind

and frosty air and bitter chills that tempt the tendrils of warmth expelled from my lips

you are a sensation I slowly familiarize myself with; the rush of fizzy water burning my tongue and throat with a pain I relish

each day you sit across from me, we’re worlds apart, but close enough to touch

you still tugged me in the frost

the skeleton framework of our friendship grows buds.

~S

Blissful Affection

And it all fades so terribly nicely into two fine brewed coffee, sugary rain on the pink long gone streets and properly wild yet mild chaos. Little endearing moments of you. Ink marks in my brain, a heavy poetry dropping over me. Like Selena songs played on loop. It’s a far away that seeps into my heart, but it’s so close and I can almost touch it.

I squeezed your sorrow into rosewater, sprinkled it all over the cherry blossom trees you love so much. You’re looking into my hazel brown eyes, saying that I have the most beautiful eyes, like everything around you was dreadfully dead, I was the only person alive. Somehow, that look of nectar made me feel more alive than ever.

It goes into brief pictures of us laughing about the past that used to cause us anxiety. It is a transition so nostalgic and wonderful. Pausing the seconds, reading the line all over again. Wandering through crowds. Eating fries in an earthy restaurant downtown.

So there we are, smiling from ear to ear while watching the sunrise. It looks so painfully good.

The sudden flashes of us pop in my head every now and then.

You should see them.

They fill me with this feeling of blissful affection I can’t help but hold onto.

I always do.

~S

Labyrinth of Love 

My lips were a thin line. She knew what that meant. Tears were welling in my eyes. I see you fighting it but you’re losing the battle as the first tear rolls down my cheek. I know love, you’re hurting. I am very hard to love. I know. I know everything.

“Come here.” She whispered, holding out her arms welcoming me to come into her embrace.

She held me, as I lay my head on her bosom. One arm around her head patting her hair, the other around her shoulder. My tears soaked her crisp white shirt and she held me and let me cry my pent up tears.

“It’s okay to cry” she said.

It really was. In moments like these where I see myself in completely vulnerable state, it doesn’t scare me but it makes me love you more. I am a human, I am allowed to cry. I don’t have to prove anyone anything.

She only says it sometimes. When it’s just us two and the perfect silence is worth being broken. And I trace road maps across the skin of her back, and I wonder. I wonder what I did to deserve all this. The affection, and the easy smiles, and the list of kid names we like tucked away in her desk drawers, singing at the top of our lungs. That feeling when you sing your favourite song? I wonder how many songs I sing lately!

And then her breath is heavy in my hair. I never fall asleep before her because I don’t know how to stop thinking. I wonder and I wonder and I wonder how I even thought I’d be better off my own. And she pulls me closer. Whispers my name like a promise. All the world stands still for just this moment. And I wonder how a person – one single, broken person can come along and make so much sense!

~S

Cold hands warm hearts 

It’s amazing how things just fall into place after so much struggle and everything seems so right. From a darkness that doesn’t appear to lift, can appear a bright shining light. They say things happen when they’re meant to, but I’ve always been nervous about the fate. I sat back and watched my life unfold and wondered if it was worth the wait. Then one day I realised what they say is the truth. The fate will get you through. But you have to go out and make good things happen, for good things to happen to you.

It’s strange how every moment feels like a dreamscape when every second I’ve spent with you has left me feeling alive. Your hair a tangled mess against the pillow, your dazed warm eyes, the freckles on your cheeks spelling out poetry I could never get tired of writing, your lips gently parted with every breath you take.

No place would ever give me as much solace as your arms. No aesthetic is as calming as your mesmerizing eyes. No music is as beautiful as your voice, deep and soft. Your voice has become my love song, that greets me every morning and is the last thing I hear before I go to sleep at night.

Maybe this is what forever feels like?

You asked for a dance on a slow song at that party. The thumps of the rhythm felt muted against my feet, the harmony slowed to a soft beat. In that, I felt your heart against mine, the heart rate climbing as if it was trying to catch up with mine.

Your hand around my shoulder, your other hand in mine. Our breathe mingling, shallow and rapid.

I became the beats and you held me together when I felt apart in your arms, coursing through you like a rhythm.

I became the soft lights, turned into the sparkle in your eyes.

I turned into something more than just human, I became alive.

Your touch on my skin felt warm and comforting. I think I fell in love with you.

And with the way your eyes turned soft, looking at me,

I think, you did too.

~S

Imperfection #2

“You’re so stubborn” she smiled as I refused to enter first.

“I’m not stubborn” I pouted. “I’m just an independent self centered”, I said my chin up.

“Sure” she smirked. “But seriously though, why won’t you sometimes accept help?” Her playful expressions changed into a serious one.

“It makes me feel vulnerable” I replied, staring at my worn Pepe Jeans. “What’s wrong with that?” she asked, clearly not understanding why I hated myself being weak.

“I don’t like being open. So if I need help I’ll just say I can do it on my own just fine. But I need help. It’s my immune system you know.”

“Oh” is her soft reply. *such a sweet voice* I can see her thinking, her eyebrows frowned above her gorgeous eyes, those what looked like the most beautiful galaxies.

“Have you always been like that?” Her soft whisper snapped me out of my staring.

“No, not always. Just got acquainted with phenomena people” was my answer, it sounded more bitter than I wanted to be. She grabbed my shoulder, held my hand, turning me to face her, staring into my hazel brown eyes. “Not everyone is like that you know. I’m sure someday someone will come around and show you the good and beautiful sides that can be in a person.”

I smiled, tugging her hair which she hates, behind her ear. “I think I’m starting to get to know the one who will.”

~S

Writing about you

The sunlight streamed through the window making my brown ugly eyes glow like they’ve been lit by a thousand fires.

I haven’t slept enough lately, craving more what ifs and butterflies fluttering my stomach. Apparently I’ve been staring at the ceiling for too long thinking of the things about us.

Let’s make a world of our own. Let’s breathe, scream and laugh, you knew in every moment I would just let out ‘I want to scream’ and you would just look at me and wonder why I am like this? I would just giggle it off because you knew there isn’t a soul like mine out there. We would have these odd moments where we could stare and gawk at each other but you’d win the staring competition as looking into your eyes was something impossible to do. Eyes speak everything.

We had dreams of doing silly things in parts of the city and holding hands while walking down busy streets, humming to ‘I had a dream, we were sipping whiskey neat’ and you would just look at me in confusion when I got the Selena’s verses wrong. And to eat in fancy restaurants ordering Friday night Joey’s special and wonder how we are going to manage to pay the bill, so we would just always think of meals we could make together dancing in the kitchen.

To end our day full of happiness, something we crave after a long tiring week. But it seems like I didn’t have to win a staring competition to realise at the end of the day, I had fallen in love with you.

~S