Sleepless Nights

I laid down next to you that night, ready to go to sleep. Just like every weekeend night. Putting aside all the worries out of my head. Except seeing you under the moonlight with your eyelashes casting long shadows and a smile across your face as you held me closely, I became so terrified. Oh god, that smile.

I wanted to let you go and hold on tighter, so I grabbed you like my life was depended on it. I remember you asked, “Are you okay?” *okay* and I didn’t know how to answer. Yes and no, I thought just like Gus and Hazel, that “Okay will be our always.” I thought I’m fine because I was falling in love with you. And I’m terrified that I’m actually falling in love with you and that it isn’t some sick joke my heart is playing on me. I don’t know if I’d rather be in love with you but never tell you, or never even entertain myself with those warm heartfelt feelings. Something that I never felt before.

I want to love you but I don’t want it to end, how it ends in a lot of books I read and movies I watch and songs I listen to where our love is the cause of our ruin and we fall apart never knowing what we could be. I realized, when your warm arms were wrapped around my chilled skin, that I wanted to see myself with you in the long run. And we’ll counting stars. These thoughts both elated and terrified me, and I wanted to tell you. We’re a couple of teenagers who just want to feel loved in this hate-filled world. So I grabbed the arm of your sleeve and whispered, “I’m fine, I promise” because I was. Because I had you.

~ Siddhant

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