Sometimes life is simply just hard. It is. Sometimes you just hit rock bottom. Your world stops. And while you see the world continues to turn quite normal for other living beings – yours seems completely wrong. And during those times, it also seems the cracks keeps getting bigger. One more struggle. One more loss. One more thing you’ve got to carry in the already so heavy load on your shoulders. Tears come. Many of them. And fear. And longing. For things to be different. Or back to the way they were. Or to stay the same. Life seems like a mess of puzzle pieces without a picture that don’t seem to fit together.
We read books and highlight the lines that speak to us, we listen to music and tattoo the lyrics that touch us, we turn to poetry and learn the lines that become us; we’re all hopelessly inept people, struggling in vain to coherently express ourselves. We know what we want to say but we don’t know how.
Traumatic events have a way of haunting you, forcing you to relive them everyday. That night played over and over in my head like an old slideshow. Every image, although distorted, brought back every second of pain, and sliver of hope I had as I lay in the street praying for my life. I thought I was going to die, and sometimes I think I wish I would have. The accident did not kill me, but it did change me. I went from an angry and brave boy to a scared, quiet and naive young man. I was alone in my madness. Every night the dreams come. Every morning was a daily reminder, as I woke up in a cold sweat screaming in pain.
And then I found you and it was like I found a piece of me that was missing. I felt whole for the first time. You came and you took the weight off my shoulders and dried every tear. There was no making sense of some of the things that happened to us in our lives but there was a comfort in knowing someone could accept it. You made me feel like I was never alone. You made me feel like I could do anything as long as you were besides me. I looked at you as my person. I said I loved you and meant every word. The fact is that I still love you the same. I looked at you with confidence that this would be it, that you were the one.
Maybe it’s me who I hate. When I can not hate you at all. And when I wonder, why hate you at all? Because after all this time it is you and it will always be you. I remember how much you made me blush. The things you did for me to feel the rush. The way you tucked me in at night. The way you stared without blinking your eyes. I can not hate you I can only sit here and miss you.
~ *What’s in a name*